Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
