Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
