i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
