drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
this boner is exhausting
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
