CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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