its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Congratulations! We have a period
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