My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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