i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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