One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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