That's intense
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
