I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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