i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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