Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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