And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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