Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
