I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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