The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Randomize
