My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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