So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
