Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I cockslap morals
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
