He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
