four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Alive.
So much puke
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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