I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
