I need to stop coming to work sober
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
