I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
