Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
