i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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