Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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