I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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