dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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