my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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