Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
