I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the day after is always just damage control
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
