I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
