I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
