Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
