I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
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Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
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I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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