Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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