totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
