You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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