I think scott just propositioned me for sex
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
