i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
