...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Naked Twister starts at high noon
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
