I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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