Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
