im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
