If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
