i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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