Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
