what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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