Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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