So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Randomize
