Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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