TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
