why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
