I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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