I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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