Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
